Urban Crusing

LIfe...

Uncategorizedlivingnotes4 Comments


This is my last of the four posts I had on my mind today ( see Babies..., Diapers..., Food... below).
With the new year at the start, I've been looking and evaluating my life. It was interesting and shocking in a good way to see - as I looked at myself from the outsiders point of view - at how much my life changed. Life, priorities, desires. More then 10 years ago, I came here being a young, unexperienced 18 year old girl. I had my head bursting-full of dreams and desires. I must say that EVERYTHING I wished for and worked for came true. Those were hard years. Years of work, work, work. But work paid off. My dreams started to become reality. I got to dance in NY with a very good company ( every dancer's dream), I got a really well paying contract, I MADE it from a poor student with $5 in the pocket to an independent person, I had a family, I made it through several movie auditions, my phone was bursting from my modeling agent's calls, my CHILDREN were getting booked for more then I could take them too... Success beyond my imagination... etc, etc... Yet slowly, little by little , as they were coming into life, I started to realize that the grass is truly greener on the other side. I started to see that the candy is better in the wrapper. I still have everything I wanted to have, as what I dreamed about is a part of who I am, yet the weight has shifted - as life progressed - into what is important. Important to ME. I saw the part of the world that everyone dreams about, and I didn't like it... I refused a very well paid job... I called the agent and took myself and my children off the list... WHY? Because when I went to live the "dream" and I felt empty... When I was away from my children at the movie set, I didn't want it... When I saw the little eyes filled with happiness that Mommy was back it made me cry... When I saw the tears from the hard day's work of a baby/child model I hated myself for putting my children through that... Over the years I saw the other side of the "sparkling world" : the dirt, fake "happy faces" , false impressions, cruel competition over money, lies again, betrayals ... Why? Because we are conditioned to believe that to be happy we need to have the "glamour", the "sparkle", the "fame"? How can THAT compare to warm little hands that hug your face , or slobbery little kisses smooched over your cheek, or little happy eyes that sparkle when you smile, or little pitter-patter of the feet in the morning or little baby's first smiles, or feeling a new life inside of you kick and stretch and give you TRUE LOVE from within?.. There is nothing that can substitute for that. No magazine cover, no paycheck, no box office hit, no applause. I realized how much I love life to let it go buy. The beauty of the sunrise and sunset, fresh air, hot sun, cool snow, and all those I want to share it with. I much prefer the feelings of love and harmony over the stress of doing the shot over and over again. I realize that the only fans that I really care about are the ones with dirty hands, whose eyes sparkle from the word "candy". And that my most important director is the little bundle that cannot change her own diaper yet . And that the best paycheck is the time when they all sit still so that I can prepare and dance, so that after the performance I can , again, see the amazed and happy eyes giving me the flowers, and know that , yet again, I wowed my biggest , and most important fans...
I love you all , my little precious gems. You all, each and every one , are so important to me. Thank you for choosing me and letting me to be a part of your lives. I love you...