I feel this is the time has come for the last shell to dissipate. For the longest time I've been told by many amazing people that I need to learn to speak up for myself. It is , oh-no-so-easy, for me. The worry about saying/doing something that would hurt someone is difficult to change, and so , in turn , I would act to accommodate anyone and everyone, even if it hurt ME. This past year was a transition point for me. This past month - a transformation. My baby , and all children for that matter - a key. This move - the last lock that opened for the last shell to come off.
I know that my words maybe shocking for some, and , even painful for others, yet I cannot continue supporting the world of lies. I would not be my honest self. My LDS friends - I love you, know that. I always will.
I do not define or divide people on good or bad according to religion, life, status, views, etc. I never fit the "cookie cutter". Nobody should. There is no right or wrong equal for everyone. As many there are people, that's how many there are "rights". The only ONE equal thing that unites us all , in my view, is God and Love, as He IS love.
I am extremely grateful for many lessons teaching me that taking care of SELF needs is the first and foremost priority. It has long been time to do so for our family. Placing others first - even if it is family members - by far is not worth it , as they make themselves happy foremost. For a long time, however, I did just that : trying to make someone else happy, molding into the shape that is not mine.
I find it simply hard to fit in within the core of pretense of smiling faces that stab your back the moment you turn around. In my heart I don't agree with the philosophy of "oh, well... this is how it is. Accept and deal with it". I do not accept the calls to repentance from those that do not see a TRUNK with ROOTS in their own eyes. I do not support "family oriented" organizations, that have time for all the family but one, or better yet - selective members. I don't believe that we have the right to decide or judge anyone here and on their choice of living. We can only accept what agrees with us...
I DO , however, believe that family is NOT necessarily blood related. I DO believe that being spiritual person and being RELIGIOUS person can have absolutely nothing in common, with a rare exception when both happen to overlap. Going to church does not make one a saint. As a matter of fact, a saw quite a lot of the opposite over the last 12 years. ( yet, if it suits a person, it is a wonderful place) I DO believe that if one lives and does things beautifully with LOVE, one is ALWAYS serving God.
I don't believe that one must belong just to the very one church to enter "THE" Heaven. I had too many examples of "THE" church members, yet in reality they were very far off even their own teachings. And then I saw a multitude of people belonging to different religion and no religion at all. And the LOVE and Spirit radiating from them was undeniable and so... Divine. I have a hard time believing , in my heart and mind BOTH, that first gets "the key" because he/she did the check marks, and the other , living a life of a true discipleship, will not. There is a general rule that sums up even all 10 commandments : DO to others as you wish to be done to YOURSELF. This rule does not include a "reaction to an action". It does not include "you've done this, therefore...", or " the RIGHT way is...". It allows one to BE who one IS, and yet, the freedom to be surrounded by the like-minded. Being SELF is not being selfish. Being self IS being who GOD created one to be. Selfish is doing what requires the least effort... convenient.
It is a very sad and unhappy place to be in when constantly trying to fit in into someone's understanding of good simply because it changes all the time, and no matter what one does, he/she will NEVER be able to be of a perfect state or shape, yet completely lose self in the ocean of trying to be someone else. I don't believe that is Creators intention. I do believe that He, however, blesses us tremendously when we go forth on OUR path to him.
One very wise person told me a story that I will re-tell in one sentence : there are hundreds of branches on the tree, thousands of leaves, yet all come from one root. So, really, for as long as we are sticking to the tree, we ARE all the same.
Accepting ourselves and making changes to be able to be who we are , for the first time, in YEARS , finally made us all, myself included, HAPPY and free. I realize, actually , know for a fact that there are several people that are reading this and think that I am completely on the wrong path. Well... If being wrong means being self and being happy, then... yes, I'll take my chances. However... it so happens that I feel just as happy now as I did when I started a new path 12 years ago... If one is wrong, how can both feel happy? My truth ... I believe that , there are many ways to one root. Each is right in its own time. The journey is beautiful and full of love. Don't waste it on trying to prove someone else wrong. Enjoy LOVE and it will come back in a downpour.